


GIRLS

by Olivia_Mockingbird



Category: Girls (TV)
Genre: Abortion, Addiction, Alcoholics Anonymous, Angst, Betrayal, Blow Jobs, Childbirth, Discussion of Abortion, Divorce, Drug Addiction, Drugs, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Falling In Love, Family, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heartbreak, Love, Mutual Masturbation, Pregnancy, Psychology, Rehabilitation, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-18 22:47:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9406148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Olivia_Mockingbird/pseuds/Olivia_Mockingbird
Summary: Jessa Johansson attempts to navigate through her 20s, facing unemployment, divorce, addiction, and failing friendships. She struggles to find the things and the people she is really serious about.





	1. Chapter 1

When she first saw him, she was at that party, the one where Shoshanna accidentally smoked crack. His features didn’t match. He was unnecessarily tall, but his arms were still too long. Most people had relatively symmetric faces, but if you split his down the middle, they could belong to two completely different people. Still, he was beautiful and she couldn’t help but wonder why he was fucking Hannah.

Hannah pointed him out, saying, “Ok, that’s Adam.”

She settled on saying, “He does sort of look like the original man.”

He also had to be incredibly strong given how easily he picked up Hannah.

And then she got distracted. Jeff Lavoyt, the father of the children she nannied showed up, with a bottle of wine no less.

She left Shoshanna with Rey.

She got Jeff involved in a fight. 

While in the hospital he confessed to liking her and that’s when she realized he was pathetic. She was pathetic too. She quit her job.

###### 

She’d never been close to Marnie, she was her opposite, yet Marnie had been the first person she confided in when she'd thought she was pregnant.

So, when Marnie was having an existential crisis over Charlie, she took it upon herself to help Marnie flirt with spontaneity.

While drinking at the bar, an incredibly pompous man bought them drinks and invited himself to join them.

She couldn’t stand him, but Marnie was finally loosening up a bit and she was pretty sure she could get him to cover the bill, so she didn't make a scene.

She was reaching her limit and wanted to leave, which was when Marnie began pulling from her own list of ways to get people to go along with your insane plans. She was impressed enough that she opted to swallow her rising disgust and allowed Marnie to answer when the man asked if they’d like to accompany him back to his apartment.

Once they were back in his apartment he became increasingly creepy, but her attempt to get out of there with Marnie in tow was foiled by Marnie kissing her.

She was stunned, but decided to go along with it. Marnie was inarguably beautiful. However, the moment was ruined when the man tried to intrude and cop a feel of her tits.

After hurting his feelings and ruining his rug, they left.

Her parting words were, “By the way, I’m going to go eat a cunt on the sidewalk right now.”

###### 

The mother of the children she used to watch, Katherine, showed up at her apartment. She said that she needed her, her girls needed her. She also admitted to having dreams where she killed her. 

After many confessions and concessions, Katherine agreed that she couldn't come back to work for her.

Before leaving, she gave her a poignant insight into her own character. She was careless, she pushed people away because she was terrified of the idea she might someday be really serious about something, or someone. So, when the venture capitalist showed up at her door, his name was actually Thomas-John, with flowers and asked her to allow him to take her on just one date, she couldn’t refuse.

She decided this was the “someone” Katherine was talking about. So, in the reckless whirlwind romance, when he stupidly asked her to marry him, she stupidly said yes.

She had a shotgun surprise wedding. Probably to not give herself enough time to come to her senses; to not allow anyone to point out she was making a huge fucking mistake.

Before she’d thrown the bouquet, she’d shouted, “Your dreams are not what you’d thought they’d be!”

She really should’ve seen all the red flags, especially when they were in the taxi on the way back from their tropical honeymoon she’d laughingly told the taxi driver, “I don’t know where we live!”

Thomas-John had bought her a litter of puppies and while watching them run around on the grass, she’d told Hannah that this was what it looked like when the hunt was over.

They later returned the puppies and a disastrous dinner with Thomas-John’s parents shattered her delusion that she actually could have a stable relationship.

The breakup was worse than the first time they met.

She’d left with a sizable check and went to Hannah’s; she’d had nowhere else to go.

It wasn’t until she was in the bathtub that she’d allowed herself to cry.

She no longer knew if she’d truly loved him, but she knew for sure that he’d never loved her. He’d idealized her, liked the idea of the adventure. She’d been a pretty thing that would help him create some interesting stories and then settle down to be another award on his shelf.

###### 

She didn’t want to admit that she was depressed, it meant admitting that she’d always been depressed, that her aloofness was a facade. Still, when she got a text from her father, despite it being nonsense, she responded, realizing she’d really wanted to visit him.

She didn’t really know why she brought Hannah with her, maybe to act as a buffer for any awkwardness. It had been a mistake. Visiting her father in the first place had been a mistake. Hannah had pointed out that he’d probably accidentally pocket texted her, explaining the nonsensical message. 

She didn’t want to say it, but Hannah was right; he hadn’t even meant to contact her. Her father had forgotten them at the train station.

They’d eventually had a heart to heart on the swing set outside of his house. 

“You have no idea do you? How much time I spent waiting for you.”

“Well it’s not like I can rely on you.”

“You shouldn’t have to! I’m the child…I’m the child,” she was crying now. 

He didn’t say a word, so she got up and left.

He forgot them again, this time at the store. She felt even more alone, even more lost. They walked all the way back to the house, carrying bags of groceries. While Hannah put them away, Jessa packed her bag and wrote a note to Hannah, apologizing for abandoning her at her father’s. She was gone before anyone could notice.

She didn't remember much of what happened in the following months, aside from her having a major relapse, overdosing at some point, she never really knew if it was a suicide attempt or not, which resulted in her being sent to rehab at her maternal grandmother’s insistence.

She didn't need to be there. She didn’t try to hide her contempt for the others, and they didn’t try to hide their’s for her. She actually had coffee thrown in her face. The only person she could remotely stand was Jasper. Eventually her behavior got her kicked out.

She wasn’t forced to be transferred to a different facility. She was allowed to leave, didn’t even need to be released into someone else’s custody. So, she wasn’t sure what possessed her to call Hannah and tell her that she needed someone to sign her out of rehab. To her mild surprise, Hannah agreed, despite being understandably mad at her for just up and disappearing.

Hannah showed up two days later with Shoshanna. And Adam. He was apparently the only one old enough to rent a car. 

On the way back into the city, after hashing things out with Hannah, she was scolded by Hannah for lying to get someone to pick her up, Adam made eye contact with her through the rearview mirror. He offered to go to AA meetings together.

“Yeah, maybe,” and the rest of the ride was silent.


	2. Chapter 2

She had no intention of following up on Adam’s offer to go to meetings together. She got a job, she was a clean, she didn't need support.

Turns out, like usual, she was wrong.

Jasper showed up at her apartment which resulted in a drug fueled binge, stealing from the stash of money at her work in order to buy drugs, and culminated with Shoshanna interfering and halting her most recent downward spiral.

She’d teamed up with Jasper’s estranged daughter, Dottie to get him to leave her. 

It worked.

She wanted to be mad at Shoshanna, but she could only see herself in Dottie and her father in Jasper.

She sat outside of her apartment building, smoking.

“You look like a junkie,” Shoshanna was standing over her.

“I am a junkie,” was her only response. 

It was the truth.

###### 

Withdrawal was a painful process. She’d thrashed around her apartment in a Wu-Tang Clan t-shirt before collapsing to the floor, releasing an anguished wail.

Shoshanna intervened once more. She asked Adam to come over before the AA meetings he went to and drag her with him.

So she went. She continuously refused to share and she only half listened. Still, Adam showed up at her apartment before every meeting and she always went, putting up less resistance each time.

She still refused to share. Adam never shared either, presumedly everyone already knew his story and he wasn’t struggling with anything.

Despite always going together, they hadn't had an actual conversation. In fact they still hadn’t said anything other than the occasional “hi” or “bye” to each other.

She understood why he was always there to escort her to meetings, there was the probability she would stop going if he didn’t. But she wasn’t sure why he would always walk her back.

Before the next meeting, she was actually sitting outside her building taking drags from a cigarette, waiting for Adam.

She’d decided that she actually liked going and wasn't going to drag out the process. 

She was lost in thought when he arrived, so he cleared his throat. She put her cigarette out on the pavement and stood up. They walked to the meeting in amicable silence.

After the meeting she finally asked, “Why do you always walk me back?”

He didn’t answer, instead posing a question for her, “Why were you waiting outside today?”

She sighed, loathing to admit it, “I like going.”

“I walk you back because Hannah said that if you bolted after a meeting and went on another binge she would hold me responsible.”

She nodded, “Well, I don’t need a minder anymore, I can handle walking to and from my apartment.”

He laughed then. It was the first time she heard him laugh.

“What?” she snapped.

“Hannah said the only way to get you to engage with someone is to piss you off.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

They arrived at her door step, “I’ll see you next week Jessa.”

The next week she opened her building’s door to see him waiting outside again. She offered him a closed lip smile, secretly pleased that he was still going to walk with her.

She shared in group that day. Afterwards they walked around the burrow and Adam told her his story between drags from a cigarette.

As weeks went by they talked more and began hanging out outside of the walks to AA meetings. She realized he was becoming one of her closest friends.

Things were as stable for her as they’d been for as long as she could remember.

And then Hannah got accepted to some writer’s program in Iowa. And she decided to go. Decided to just leave for two years.

She was mad at first but then, after Hannah had been gone for a couple weeks, she realized her life was less drama filled than it had been with Hannah there.

Hannah was selfish, she was going to be gone for two years and didn't have the decency to end things with Adam instead offering a long distance open relationship, which really meant it's a long distance relationship where I can hook up with other people, but you can't.

But they were her friends. If it worked for them, she wouldn't interfere. 

Then Adam began complaining to her about how they were just having the same conversations over and over again, it was mind numbing to him.

She felt for him, her near daily Skype calls with Hannah were getting stale. 

She suggested they just check in with each other every other week. 

She soon regretted that as her conversations with Hannah had turned solely into her asking about Adam.

One day she got a call from an unknown number, upon answering it she realized it was Mimi-Rose Howard. She couldn't remember how they'd met, but she knew the artist had become increasingly successful since the last time they saw each other. She'd also been incredibly jealous of her partner, Ace.

She invited her to come by her studio since she was back in New York finally.

She mentioned that she and Ace had ended things, which she used for inspiration for her gallery opening tomorrow night. Ace was going to be there as well. 

What she did next was admittedly shitty, but she dragged Adam to the gallery with the sole purpose of introducing him to Mimi so that she could get with Ace.

To her immense pleasure, Mimi and Adam hit it off. Unfortunately Ace was still not quite in her grasp yet. 

She was frustrated by not getting attention, which was probably partially why when she received a ticket for public urination she ripped it up, resulting in her arrest.

She however had not expected Adam to be handcuffed next to her.

Ray bailed them out that night.

She could feel the tension between her and Adam, he was mad.

She didn't want him to be mad at her, so she tried to play it off as a joke. It backfired.

She watched Adam's retreating back. He didn't need her. He didn't need her to be his friend. But she needed him. So she swallowed her pride "I do, Adam, I really need you to be my friend."

He wasn't just one of her closest friends, he was her best friend.

He stopped in his tracks and turned. She had never been so happy to see him nod, even if he had a resigned look on his face.

###### 

Hannah came back less than three months after she left with no warning whatsoever.

She did not appreciate her efforts to convince her to let Adam be happy for a change. Instead Hannah actually hit her when she blew smoke out of her mouth and said, “Well, the heart wants what the heart wants.” 

She smacked her in return and walked out.


	3. Chapter 3

The next time she saw Hannah was when she bizarrely showed up at Mimi-Rose's new installation — with a date. It was even more bizarre when she decided to come along to the after party.

She didn't pay much thought to that situation once Adam had told her that while in a cab together Ace had told him that he was going to get Mimi-Rose back. 

A look of hurt flashed across Adam's face when she said, "He’s not supposed to still want her back; he’s supposed to love me now."

He stared at her a couple seconds longer before turning away from her.

She wanted to stop him, but he had every right to be mad, she'd used him.

After that night though, Ace began paying attention to her more.

After they finally had sex, he decided that they needed to try out his friend's new restaurant.

She went along with him, but they wound up at Mimi-Rose's loft instead.

He invited himself and her to stay for dinner at the loft.

Throughout dinner he kept rubbing her in Mimi's face. And Mimi was going along with it. That wasn't ok, she was fine with being used, no one ever really wanted her for her and she kinda deserved it, but Adam didn't. He deserved better.

So she dragged the both of them out of the situation. 

"I'm sorry," she truly was, she'd never wanted him to be hurt.

"Yeah, I know."

They walked to Ray's coffee place. Watching the festivities from the outside for a minute or so. She went for the door, but realized that Adam had made no moves to come inside with her.

"Afraid to see Hannah?"

He walked away. She watched him for a moment before deciding to go back to her apartment as well.

###### 

Adam called her to tell her that his sister had gone into labor, she tried to get there as quickly as she could, but it ended up taking her about an hour.

Caroline's water birth was taking too long, she was in too much pain. Someone needed to assess the situation. She volunteered herself. One look determined the baby was breach and she needed to get to the hospital now. She knew she'd never be able to convince Caroline of that; so she went to Laird and berated him until he agreed to talk her into going to the hospital. 

They made it in time and the baby was delivered and immediately sent to the NICU, they first went to Caroline while she recovered. Caroline told her that she saved the baby's life and that they'd decided to name her Jessa.

She'd never cared for children, especially babies, but she was incredibly moved and realized what she wanted to do. She wanted to help people. Remembering Katherine's advice, she knew with a certainty she'd never experienced before, that one way or another, she was going to become a therapist. 

She'd gone to wait outside the NICU for Adam and Hannah.

She'd expected them to leave at the same time, instead Hannah walked out alone looking relieved.

"What?"

"I'm moving on."

And Hannah took off down the hall.

She sat slumped on the bench outside the NICU. She didn't know why she was upset. It shouldn't hurt her to know that Adam tried to get back together with Hannah.

They were just friends.

She probably should've gone home, instead she waited some more.

Eventually Adam came out, removing the hospital gown shit he'd had to wear. He looked slightly lost and she cocked her eyebrow.

“You wanna tell me why after finally closing the door on the shit show that was your relationship with Hannah, you went crawling back as soon as you were single?”

“No, not really.”

“Do you still love her?”

“No,” he sounded surprisingly sure of that.

“You’re a liar.”

“No, I wanted familiarity.”

“Why would you want familiarity if you know it’ll be fuckin’ awful?”

“It’s safe, there aren’t surprises.”

“I’m familiar.”

“What?”

“I’m familiar, so you can tell me why you’re so desperate for something familiar.”

“No, it’s partially your fault anyways.”

She’d been afraid of this, dreaded the day Adam would confront her about Mimi-Rose because she had no excuse and then she’d lose him.”

“I’m really sorry Adam, I truly am, I shouldn’t have interfered like that. I shouldn’t have —“

“You introducing me to someone else was a good thing, even if you were doing it for a fucking terrible reason, just not to her. She’d a goddamn sociopath.”

“Yeah that night was bad—“

“She had an abortion.”

“Mimi?”

“Yeah.”

“Was it yours?”

“Yes.”

“Did you want to keep it?” she’d never pictured Adam as someone who’d want kids.

“I don’t know! She didn’t fucking tell me until after she’d already had it done.”

She didn’t know what to say. She just sat, gaping up at him.

He shook his head as he looked down at her, before turning around to walk away.

“Adam?” he didn’t stop, “Adam, where are you going?”

“Home,” he’d moved in with Ray, back into his original apartment which he admitted looked much better now that Ray had decorated it.

“I’ll go with you.”

“Jessa, no offense, but I can’t deal with you right now. You can’t understand this.”

“I almost had an abortion,” she blurted out.

“Almost?”

“The reason I came back to the states was to get an abortion.”

“But you didn’t?”

“I panicked before the appointment and went to a bar instead. I got my period while I was in there.”

“So what the fuck was the point of that story then?”

“To get you to stay long enough for me to tell you that, you’re right, I really can’t understand what you went through, but that I am still deeply sorry and I’m here if you need someone to listen. Also to remind you that there is a baby who is going to need you to make sure she’s taken care of.”

He nodded.

“You still want to be alone?”

“Let’s just go fucking smoke until the sun comes up, it’s only about four more hours until then.”


	4. Chapter 4

For some fucking reason Caroline and Laird had decided to call Jessa-Hannah Bluebell Poem Schlesinger-Sackler, a ridiculously fucking long name, Sample for short. Which was equally ridiculous.

She’d had to stifle her laughter and ended up choking on her own cigarette smoke when Adam had told her that. She considered telling Hannah the child named after the both of them no longer went by either of those names (she was secretly pleased that it was Jessa-Hannah, not Hannah-Jessa). But, Hannah had begun dating Fran soon after Sample’s birth, so it felt strange to bring it up.

Besides, she’d enrolled in college again and had thrown herself into her studies. She was determined not to fuck up again. And so far she hadn’t. She went to AA regularly, was doing well in her psychology classes, and was actively trying to be a better friend.

She was done being shitty.

Shoshanna had actually moved to Japan, so she had their apartment to herself, it was a strange adjustment. She effectively had her own place, yet Hannah and Marnie came over more than they ever had before. Apparently being single and living alone meant that her apartment was the place for the rest of her friends to hide from their significant others.

It didn’t bother her. It was fine.

Well, Marnie was fine. She’d come over with a look on her face that said, ‘I’m going to murder my fiancé,’ and she would let her in. Most of the time Marnie would browse Tumblr and which allowed her to study in silence. She actually liked the company. Occasionally, Marnie would bring her guitar and they’d talk about her ridiculous fiancé while she strummed away and mumbled lyrics. 

Marnie had asked Hannah to be her Maid of Honor. It made sense, Marnie was closer to Hannah than she was to her. But after going to Hannah about wedding planning a few times only to have Hannah freakout on her, she began going straight to Jessa for help.

And she couldn’t blame her. Hannah had a habit of making everything about her, not a good quality for a Maid of Honor and besides, she wanted to be a therapist now, she wanted to help people. It was good practice. It didn’t matter that she didn’t get the fancy title, it was just stupid tradition. Plus Hannah would throw a fit and the wedding wasn’t about her or Hannah, it was about Marnie.

She was happy for Marnie, but she knew that Desi wasn’t right for her. She’d never say it, but every time she knocked on her door after fight, she had bite her tongue to stop herself from asking why she was even with him.

Ultimately, she actually liked having Marnie around.

Hannah, on the other hand, began to get on her nerves more and more. 

Every time she came over, she demanded her attention, even when she was obviously trying to study. She had this obnoxious habit of always comparing Fran to Adam whenever she was fighting with him. She’d have to fight down her desire to shout at Hannah that she had nothing to complain about, her boyfriends were always way out of her league, she should just be happy they were willing to put up with her narcissism.

She didn’t know why that was something she’d even consider saying. It was sexist and shitty. So she stuck to offering noncommittal shrugs.

The thing that was hardest to do was to not tell Hannah that Adam was much better and happier without her whenever she brought up doubts about completely ending things with him.

She wasn’t even sure if that was true, but she didn’t want them to get back together. And she didn’t know why.

She chalked it up to enjoying having a friend she didn’t have to share with Hannah.

Not that she hadn’t had sex in several months because every time she did she wished it was specifically with someone else. Not that whenever she got herself off she always ended up picturing someone with an asymmetrical face, wild black hair, long limbs, and plump lips.

Definitely not that, especially because he was her best friend. She didn't have feelings for her best friend. She didn’t have feelings for her friend’s ex.

The lingering looks he gave her whenever they were hanging out in his apartment annoying Rey or wandering around the city after getting lunch together were her imagination. Things she wanted to see. 

He didn’t actually look at her that way. The only reason he stared at her lips was because she was already staring at his.

He didn’t mention they way she knew he’d seen her looking at him, thankfully. Her attraction to him would fade. It always faded. It was just taking longer than usual.

The worst part was that she couldn’t tell anyone. They’d either tell Adam or Hannah and she’d end up losing both friends, and probably all of her other ones. Except Shoshanna.

So she suffered with her secret alone and made lists of why Adam was the worst. And then promptly burned them with her lighter so that no one could find them.

She'd given herself a deadline to get over it. She could fantasize about him until Marnie’s wedding and then she’d find a random wedding guest to hook up with and things would go back to normal.

Shoshanna had flown back in for the wedding and all four of them drove upstate the day before the wedding with Marnie’s mom. Surprisingly, neither the bride to be nor the mother of the bride freaked out that night. In fact the whole affair was nice and calm, except for Shoshanna who was jet lagged and 12 hours off from the time she was used to it being. That necessitated caffeine consumption and resulted in Shoshanna alternating between being passed out cold and wide awake, talking faster than should be humanly possible.

The next morning she woke up before everyone else. On the way up she'd seen a stream and wanted to bathe in it. Plus Marnie wanted flowers for various hair pieces so she was going to pick some incase she didn't like the ones brought by the makeup artist. Besides, bathing in a stream and running through a field was something she'd almost be expected to do.

By the time she got back Marnie's mother was up and causing a scene over floral arrangements. She walked back into the house to find everyone else was up, even Hannah.

Marnie was finally showing signs of her inner perfectionist coming out as she rolled her eyes looking out the window.

"Marnie, what's wrong?"

She reached out to stroke the hairs that had fallen out of her bun.

"I'm worried it's gonna rain. I had the option for a tent; but of course I didn't take it."

"It's ok; you made a mistake, we all make mistakes. It’s ok.”

She pressed a comforting kiss to the back of Marnie’s neck.

“Yeah, everybody hates tents anyways. Like what is this, a circus? I don't want no big top," Shoshanna added, blatantly lying, she knew Shosh adored tents.

"But you know; rain on your wedding day means wonderful things for your fertility, so I hope that it does rain."

She was being honest, Marnie would be an excellent mother.

"I'm gonna go set out your dress out, so if anyone needs me I'll be upstairs in the boudoir."

While she was laying out Marnie's dress on the bed, careful not to crease it, she heard Fran talking.

Marnie was going to lose it. This was supposed to be just girls.

She was about to go downstairs to help diffuse the situation, when Shoshanna stepped up to the plate and asked Fran to leave. 

She heard the door to the back porch open and saw Hannah and Fran walking towards the "Men's" house. Adam was in the bridal party, so he was going to be there and her stomach clenched.

She decided to busy herself with putting her hair in rollers.

She rejoined Shoshanna and Marnie downstairs, putting her dress on, wrapping and knotting the straps strategically to give the dress shape and prevent it from dragging.

"Hey Marnie, I'm going to go out to grab a quick smoke, is that ok?"

"Yeah sure, the makeup artist should be here soon, but apparently you already have your look down."

"Well, I figured this way you have more time for the makeup artist to work with you so you look absolutely perfect."

She kissed Marnie on the cheek as she walked outside into the fenced in garden.

She was fumbling with her lighter, cigarette hanging loosely from her mouth when she heard a gasp come from behind her.

She knew it was Adam before she even turned around. "Oh, fuck you. It's horrendous."

He laughed but managed to say, “It’s nice.”

“I think when it comes down, I’m gonna brush it—“

“Oh, oh, oh, oh it’s not, it’s not done?”

She snorted, but she didn't want the conversation to end, so she added, “You look good.”

“Thank you, I found this.”

She slightly rolled her eyes as he helped her light her cigarette, taking one for himself. Of course he’d “found” his suit.

They made idle small talk until she finally built up the courage to bring up Fran.

“Who’s Fran?”

“What do you mean who’s Fran? _Fran!”_

“Oh, yeah, yeah, he’s…uh…nice.”

“What? What do you mean he’s nice?”

“He’s nice. He’s polite, funny or whatever.”

“You don’t want to take him out back and show him what your made of?”

“No.”

“Buy him a ticket to the gun show?”

“Yes! No,” he shook his head.

“You’re a liar.”

She didn’t want him to be lying, she wanted him to not care at all. She wanted him to not give Hannah a second thought.

“No, no, no. I’m…uh…I’m evolved.”

“That’s good,” she said quietly.

“I don’t care. I’m happy for her.”

She let out an inward sigh of relief, “Cool. Great. I don’t care either.”

She finally looked up at him, gazing at his lips, and before she could process what was happening, he leaned in and kissed her, and then immediately pulled away.

He tugged on his tie uncomfortably, letting out a deep breath.

"I…I can’t do…" she didn't even finish the thought before the both leaned in and kissed passionately.

And he pulled away all too soon.

"Ok…See ya."

She watched him walk away.

"Shit," she muttered to herself.

She couldn't go back inside, not yet, not right after that.

She'd gone to the convenience store nearby to buy some cheap make up, she hadn't brought hers with her, and unfortunately had to walk back in the pouring rain.

Luckily, it had stopped by the time she got back and her coat had kept her dress dry.

The second she walked inside she was greeted by a horror show.

"Jesus! Your faces."

"Excuse me?!" Marnie's mother sounded incredibly offended. 

Marnie looked like she might cry.

"Ok, I'm gonna fix this."

She flattened Shoshanna's over curled bangs and yanked her dress up to provide better support.

She managed to run a comb through Hannah's incredibly short hair and tied the dress up in the most basic way possible before blow drying it. She fixed her own hair and put it half up.

Finally, she took off all of Marnie's lipstick, un-contoured her face, and removed some of the eye makeup. She took Marnie's hair that had somehow been transformed into unmoving unrealistic perfect curls and put it into a relaxed side braid before gently placing the flower crown on her head.

They all crowded around Marnie for a mirror selfie at her mother's insistence.

Before heading toward the aisle as a group she gave Marnie one last kiss on the lips as a single girl and followed her outside.

Marnie looked absolutely gorgeous, so she focused intently on her in order to avoid looking at Adam. 

The wedding party posed for a group photo and she successfully avoided Adam for the picture as well.

Actually, she avoided Adam the entire reception, instead devoting all her attention to Marnie, fulfilling the duties of the Maid of Honor.

After sending Marnie and Desi off on their honeymoon she drove back to the city with Shoshanna, Hannah and Marnie's mom.

Early the next morning, she and Hannah accompanied Shoshanna to the airport for her flight back to Japan.

Hannah had to go to work directly afterwards, so they separated and she went back to her apartment to study more.

She checked her phone more often than usual to see if she had any messages from Adam. But he hadn't texted her at all. She chose to ignore the disappointment she felt constricting her chest.


	5. Chapter 5

She didn't talk to Adam until the AA meeting the following week. She'd actually considered skipping, but she'd promised to make improvements to herself, skipping AA would be counter productive. Then she thought about just switching to a different AA group, but decided that it would be too obvious she was avoiding him and then he'd never let it go.

So she went. 

But she got there early to ensure that she wouldn't end up sitting next to Adam.

She couldn't help but wonder if he'd bailed on the meeting. Her curiosity eventually got the better of her and she turned in her chair to see if she could find him.

He'd been staring at her and waved when she turned around.

She didn't respond, opting to face the front again and ignore the feeling of his gaze on the back of her head.

As soon as the meeting was over she bolted for the exit as casually as possible. But Adam, with his unnaturally long legs and lack of desire to act like a normal person, met her at the door a beat behind her, effectively scaring the shit out of her.

"You _cannot_ grab people like that!”

“Sorry,” he mumbled, obviously trying not to laugh.

“I thought you were a murderer.”

She took a deep breath and reached for the door again.

“No, no, no, no, no. We…uh…we should talk about what happened.”

“We most certainly should not talk about that,” she couldn’t get into this. 

“Yeah we should…for our sobriety.”

“You know what we should do? We should pretend like it never happened and then maybe even never speak again.”

“I don’t wanna do that.”

“Well who asked you what you want?!”

“You feel something for me.”

She opened her mouth to respond, but he cut her off, “I know it. You’re hiding behind your accent.”

“So what?”

“So we have to address it.”

“Oh, and then what? It doesn’t matter because nothing can ever happen.”

“Why not?”

How could he not get this? No one could possibly be that socially tone deaf, “Because…you stupid, fucking, you idiot, because Hannah.”

“She doesn’t want to be with me,” he quickly interjected.

“It doesn’t matter. She’s my friend; it’s shitty and I’m done being shitty, shitty is old news.”

“We’re friends,” he gestured vaguely between them.

“Yeah? So what?”

If anything that was another reason to not get involved.

“So can we just…uh…be with each other like…uh…friends?”

“Like follow me around?”

“Yeah.”

He was being utterly ridiculous.

“Ok,” he wasn’t going to let this go, “Well I have really big plans today.” She didn't actually have any, but she did need to get her 30 dollars back from that carnie, Robyn.

“Do you need help, friend?”

###### 

They arrived at the fair grounds and Adam immediately turned to her and said, “Nice plans freak.”

“Uh…you don’t know my life.”

That was a lie, he knew her better than anyone else.

Robyn refused to give her the money, instead pulling stupid jokes that irked her, but made Adam laugh. She really liked his laugh.

She gave up on getting her money back, instead she and Adam walked to a sausage and pepper stand since he insisted he needed to be fed. She stole a bite from him.

He put an entire fried chicken wing in his mouth and shook it like a dog to stop her from getting any more food from him. 

They wandered around for a while, playing various carnival games. She actually won a fish. Eventually, Adam found a group of children who’d run out of money to play games with and insisted that they team up to try to get the grand prize.

It was sweet and she smiled to herself. Unfortunately, the shot she called wasn’t any good and they only won a minor prize. Adam gave them more money to play with after they left.

He walked her back to her apartment, throwing the fish she’d won up in the air and behind his back.

She stood in front of her building, “So this was fine, thank you, for coming.” She naively hoped that this meant that things were back to normal. 

But then he announced, “I’m gonna kiss you goodbye now.”

She took a step back, “No. No you’re not. Because we are friends. Because you know as well as I do that even if we could be together, even if Hannah didn’t exist, that I would destroy you. And you would destroy me.”

She hated the look on his face when the words slowly began to sink in, “We would destroy each other.”

“You know where this ends up, right? With you in a body bag and me headed to the boarder, pregnant.”

He laughed, and she couldn’t help but try to memorize the way it sounded. But she needed to stay focused.

“Seriously, it would be a problem.” 

“It would be a problem.”

“It would.”

“It would,” he repeated.

“Can you stop copying me?”

“Could you please stop copying me?”

“Jesus Chri—“

“Jesus Christ,” he’d cut her off.

They both paused for a second and she looked at him wistfully.

He moved the fish from behind his back, “Here’s your fish.”

She leaned in. It was dead.

“Oh fuck me!”

“You see? It’s fucking dead…”

He started shaking the bag as if that would help, “Fucking goddamn it.”

“You see? You see ‘cause you shook it all the way here like an idiot. This is us. This is why we can’t.”

He threw it into the gutter, “Look. Can we…can we be together, but not touch each other?”

“Yeah, that’s the whole point, we are not gonna touch each other.”

###### 

Despite her better judgment they ended up on opposite ends of her couch masturbating.

It had been her idea. If they didn't touch each other, they didn't do anything wrong. She'd made the rule that they couldn't look at each other as well.

She could feel him constantly stealing quick looks at her.

She couldn't help it, she eventually glanced at him as well.

She immediately admonished him, he broke the rules first "Don't look, it breaks the rules."

“You don’t look at me, you’re the fuckin’ pervert in this house.”

He began pumping faster, almost violently, and she could feel him looking at her again.

"Adam!"

Instead of turning his head away like before he growled, "New rules."

She immediately turned her head towards him and began moving her hand faster. She let out a whine, turned on by the intensity of his stare.

She could tell she was about to cum and she tilted her head back, eyes closed.

"Look at me!" he demanded.

She hesitated, but opened her eyes when he let out a grunt.

He was still staring at her intently, not at her hand quickly moving over her clit or her tits, but her face. 

She briefly flicked her eyes down to his hand wrapped around his cock, but quickly focused back on his face.

It was incredibly intimate and watching him find his release spurned her on to find her own seconds later. 

They sat there in silence.

Eventually he got up and went into her bathroom to clean up while put her overalls back on correctly, washed her hands in the kitchen sink and immediately pulled out one of her textbooks and began studying.

Which entailed staring at the same page in the book while her prefrontal cortex got it's act back together after she had the best orgasm she could remember experiencing. It was also the perfect way to convey to Adam that she absolutely did not want to talk about what just happened.

She knew he did. He'd wanted to talk after they'd only kissed.

But he knew how important her studies were to her, so when he exited the bathroom and looked over at her, sprawled out on the couch he headed to the door shouting, "Bye Jessa," on his way out.

After about 45 minutes, the longest amount of time she'd known he'd waited in the hall outside of someone's apartment, she got up and locked the door.


	6. Chapter 6

He texted her the next day asking if she was still going to come over the next night to watch his guest role on a TV show with him and Ray.

She said yes, she loved watching him act. Plus the sooner they went back to hanging out like normal, the sooner things would go back to normal. 

She arrived at the exact time they agreed upon, she wasn’t going to show up four hours later for things anymore. 

Ray and Adam had to explain the background of the show, but were interrupted when Adam’s character, grimy teeth and all, showed up on screen and she burst out laughing.

He was amazing. He was always amazing. She was so impressed that she couldn’t help but squeal with excitement, latching onto him, chanting, “Adam’s gonna be famous!”

Ray went to bed soon after, asking them to keep the volume at a courteous level. Once he was gone she shot Adam a look, “I don’t know how you do it,” referring to Ray’s instance on getting at least 13 hours of sleep a night.

He just looked at her. She stared back, beginning to feel trapped by his eyes.

“What?” his voice was impossibly low.

“Nothing,” she quickly muttered, looking down.

He started to walk towards her, pointing at the ceiling, “I…uh…I wrote a haiku up here, like a month ago.”

“That’s weird…why would, why would do that?” she would never get sick of his odd behavior.

“Perspective. I forgot how I got up there,” he was practically looming over her.

“How did—“

He kissed her and for the briefest of moments, she kissed him back before pushing him away. This couldn’t happen. She couldn’t let this happen.

“What are you doing?”

He didn’t say anything, just stared at her like she was the only thing in his world.

“We’re _just_ friends,” she continued.

“Are we?”

She opened her mouth to reply that of course they were just friends, they were only friends, but she couldn’t bring herself to commit to that lie. 

“I’m, I’m not doing this ‘will they won’t they shit.’ No fucking way,” she shrugged on her jacket, “I’m sorry. Thank you.”

She heard him say bye as she shut the door behind her.

###### 

It was Tuesday and she’d managed to avoid Adam since Sunday. It was time to go to her AA meeting but she just couldn’t. 

They had stopped walking to and from the meetings together a long time ago, so he wasn’t going to show up to make sure she went. He’d periodically texted her since she left his apartment on Sunday but she had ignored them all. It was time to join a different AA group. 

Grabbing a bowl of cereal she opened her laptop to search for a women’s only AA group. She found one that met Thursdays in Tribeca.

Her phone rang from where she'd left it on the kitchen counter, she got up and padded over, checking the caller ID. It was Adam. She stared at it for a bit, debating whether or not to answer. She decided against it and brought the phone to the table, waiting for it to stop ringing. 

Her phone buzzed to notify her she had a voicemail.

“Who the fuck still leaves voicemails?” she asked herself. She flipped open her phone, intending to listen to it. Her finger hovered over the button for a second before she ultimately deleted it, not even checking to see how long the message was. 

Her phone chimed again. He sent her a text. But her phone’s storage was full from all the other messages he’d sent her, so she deleted all of those, still unread. She didn’t bother to read the most recent one.

A few minutes later, her phone rang again. He apparently didn’t understand the term “ghosting,” still, she let it ring.

The third time he called she decided enough was enough and went to silence her phone. When she picked it up though, it was her sponsor calling. Not Adam.

She answered this time, “Hello?”

“Everything alright?”

“Uh…yeah, why?”

“Someone called me, and said you weren’t at the meeting today. Is everything ok?”

She didn't bother asking who called, she knew it was Adam. “I’m allowed to miss meetings every now and then, aren’t I?”

“Yes, this person was just concerned, and I figured I might as well check in.”

“I’m fine, I’ve just decided to attend meetings on Thursdays now. It’s the women’s meeting in Tribeca.”

“Any reason behind the switch?”

“It works better with my class schedule,” she lied, she was equally free on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but her sponsor didn’t know that.

“Alright. Try to check in more often Jessa.”

“Right. Well, bye,” she hung up before her sponsor could respond.

She really shouldn’t have told Adam who her sponsor was.

She silenced her phone and started the assignment she need to turn in the next day.

Walking into the new AA meeting, she felt even more out of place than she did being a 25 year old enrolled as an undergrad. She realized that she hadn’t really talked to her female friends in a long time. They spent time together, less now that Marnie was married and Shosh was in Japan, but even then, she hadn’t really shared with them. She’d had more personal conversations with Ray than with them put together in the past six months. It was slightly disconcerting.

She didn’t share that day, not comfortable to open up yet. Instead she listened to a woman who could’ve been anywhere from her age to 50 talk about being a single mother. Then she paused.

Jessa groaned inwardly, turning to see who she already knew was there. She rolled her eyes, facing the front of the room again. Of course he would show up.

“Oh, this is a women’s meeting.”

“Oh, no. Uh…sorry,” he said, not sounding sorry at all.

“Okay, I'll wait till you go.”

She could hear the elevator making it’s decent to the ground floor as Adam banged on the door. “Oh, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck.”

The woman stared at him oddly before continuing her story and Jessa stalwartly faced forward until she heard him leave. Only then did she risk a glance back. 

As she stepped out onto the street after the meeting ended, she wasn’t surprised to find Adam sitting on the stoop, waiting for her. She walked past without acknowledging him, knowing he would follow her.

_“Hey.”_

“Hi,” she replied flatly.

“You don't usually go to this meeting.”

“What, are you stalking me? Seriously, _chill._ I was in the neighborhood.”

“Since when are you ever in fucking Tribeca? The only reason to come here is to pickpocket a yuppie. Oh, yeah, by the way. Here you go,” he passed her a wallet, “Practicing for an audition.”

She took it “You _didn’t,_ ” gasping as she opened it up to reveal the cash inside, then she noticed the driver’s license, “This is yours!” She couldn’t stop herself from laughing as she handed it back to him.

He smiled at her, but then his face turned serious.

“Someone told me you're only going to women's meetings.”

Inwardly she wondered if the Anonymous part of AA applied to other members because she had been under the impression that her sponsor wasn’t supposed to reveal that information to anyone.

“Yeah, I need sisterhood,” was all she said

“Yeah, well, these are meetings I can't go to. And you're not returning any of my texts,” he almost sounded hurt.

“They're _barely_ sentences. ‘You need eat?’ What that doesn't even make any sense,” she deflected.

“Why the fuck are you avoiding me?”

“Because it's a _horrid_ idea and because I'm focused on my studies and because you smell like _ham._ ”

“Oh, and you fuckin’ love it.”

She hated that he was right.

“And because of Hannah.”

Now he was actually mad. “Oh, _fuckin’_ balls!”

“I'm sorry. I'm so —“

“You know she wouldn't do the same thing if she was in your position. She'd just throw herself right at whatever she wanted. Unlike you. You're a pussy.”

He walked away from her before she could even process what he said. 

“I didn't say I liked her!” she shouted after him. She didn’t want to admit that what he said was true.

The woman from earlier walked by, evidently having witnessed the whole exchange, “That’s how I got pregnant, so, careful.”

She didn’t know how to respond to that, instead she stood there stunned, watching the woman leave until she disappeared into the crowd after Adam.


	7. Chapter 7

She wasn’t surprised when Marnie arrived, banging incessantly on the door. She was actually shocked Marnie managed to put up with Desi for this long before losing it and seeking refuge in her apartment. 

They didn’t say anything to each other, she just unlocked and upon the door, only taking her eyes off her textbook for a second.

Marnie nodded as a form of greeting and made a beeline for the bed while Jessa resettled on the couch. 

They coexisted in comfortable silence, each doing there own thing with no disruptions or distractions while not actually being alone. 

It was nice. 

Then Hannah arrived and began talking to Marnie. She couldn’t focus with all the chatter and became a silent observer to the conversation.

“What you doing?”

“Oh, nothing. Just hiding from Desi.”

“Great, cause I'm hiding from Fran.”

“I'm _never_ going back to that apartment.”

She had to interject then. Her apartment wasn’t a hideout for people who didn’t want to be in the relationships they were in. It was a hideout for people who wanted to be in a relationship but weren’t allowed to. “Guys, you _cannot_ stay here indefinitely. I have _so_ much studying to do.”

Hannah ignored her, “Whatcha looking at? 

“The Old Loves Tumblr. It's the best. Do you know it? 

“Yeah.”

“Oh, yeah, that's the ah, old people having sex. I love that one,” she actually found it sweet in a way.

“Nope,” Hannah looked bemused, and then she and Marnie went on and on about what the Tumblr actually was and she couldn’t bring herself to care, letting them fade into white noise. Until Hannah began to complain about her own relationship.

“Hannah, I don't even know what's going on with you and Fran, but I'm assuming he's right,” Marnie was always the voice of reason.

“He actually isn't right,” Hannah countered.

“Well, just work it out because he's a really good guy.”

“He's actually not a good guy, Marnie. He's a _seemingly_ good guy.”

“Okay, well, that's a step up. I mean, Adam didn't even _seem_ like a good guy.”

“Adam was actually more sane than Fran. He was just in the body of a psychopath.”

Something in her burned. She didn’t want Hannah thinking about Adam. “Actually, that's not true. Adam's _completely_ insane. And he's bowlegged. Just disgusting.”

Hannah and Marnie gave her confused looks as if to ask 'how could you possibly know that about him' before Hannah moved back to complaining about Fran.

She tuned them out again. Only looking up when Marnie closed the door behind her.

“Can't I end up alone, but not like Cher?”

She wasn’t sure if Hannah was talking to her, Marnie, or if it was rhetorical, but she decided to answer anyways, “You’re already like Cher.”

“I'm gonna choose to take that as a compliment.”

And then thankfully Hannah fell quiet. Until later in the evening when she suggested going out for rice pudding. 

After politely declining several times, she really did need to study, Hannah threatened to cut her hair off and she agreed to go.

Things were going alright until Hannah’s credit card was declined and she was forced to pay.

She couldn’t hold her resentment in any longer, “Perfect. I'm taking you out now. That is perfect. Just perfect.Thank you so much. Thanks.”

“Okay, what's going on between us?”

“Nothing's going on between us, Hannah. What's going on is that I was trying to study and I couldn't because you didn't want me to. Because you're jealous that I have a passion, so, of course, here I am catering to your needs yet again. Everyone has to drop everything for Hannah when Hannah needs support,” she snapped harshly.

“Why are you being so mean to me?”

“I'm always mean to you,” she muttered softly.

“Yeah, but usually it's nicer.”

That sat in silence, tension thick around them. Hannah was the one to break it. 

“You're acting so weird, okay? I know you. Something's going on.”

“I'm fine. Okay.”

“Okay, then, maybe we're just growing in different directions. Maybe you don't want to be friends anymore.”

“Maybe,” it just slipped out, she actually surprised herself. 

“Jessa!” Hannah shouted indignantly.

“What? I'm just trying to be open,” she knew she sounded bitter. 

“You know what? I'm thinking maybe I'm gonna take my Fluent in French Toast on the train. If I'm gonna hang out with someone who hates me, it might as well be my boyfriend.”

She scoffed. She was actually impressed by Fran’s ability to put up with Hannah.

Hannah quickly stormed out, only to return moments later, “But, seriously, you are the biggest bitch I've ever met in my whole life. You are a _total_ cunt.”

She left again, leaving Jessa to pick at her rice pudding alone.

###### 

She didn’t have anywhere she could go. She didn’t have anyone she could talk to.

That wasn’t necessarily true. She didn’t have anywhere she could _allow_ herself to go, anyone she could _allow_ herself to talk to.

But she wasn’t friends with Hannah anymore. She wouldn’t be doing anything wrong if she went to see him. And she was tired. She was so tired of fighting what felt like gravity, what felt so foreign but wonderful, what felt so right.

Still, by the time she reached Adam’s door and tentatively knocked, she was fighting back tears. 

Adam shouted “I’m not here!” from somewhere in the depths of his apartment and she considered running away before he could make it to the door. Instead she stood there frozen as he opened it.

“Hey! Hi. What's up? Come in,” he seemed almost shocked to see her there.

“I just…I just came from seeing Hannah and um,” her voice was trembling.

“What happened? What's wrong?”

“What’s wrong is…is this,” she gestured between the both of them, finally putting a label on what had been growing between them for years, “Us.”

A strangled dry chuckle mixed with tears escaped her.

“You’re shaking,” was all he said.

She inhaled deeply, admitting to something she had tried vainly to ignore, “I’ve…I've wanted this for a _really_ long time.”

“Me too.”

He reached for her then, leaning in to kiss her. He encircled her with his arms easily as she tried to back away from the kiss, from him. He pulled her close and she half-heartedly tried to push out of his grasp before finally giving in to what she’d always wanted, allowing herself this one good thing.

They retreated into his apartment, slamming to door shut behind them and haphazardly made their way to the couch.

He gently set her down, finally tearing his mouth away from hers. He kneeled in front of her, cradling her face.

She kept her gaze down cast, terrified of looking him in the eyes. Terrified of the adoration she’d see in them. It was too much, too intimate. No one had ever looked at her like that.

He tilted her head up, forcing her to meet his intense gaze. Her breath hitched.

His eyes roamed over her face, looking for something.

Recognizing the bewilderment on her face, he vocalized what’d he’d been searching for, “Do you want this?”

He wanted permission. 

She didn’t know what to say. She’d never been asked that question. She’d never looked at someone and been sure that if she wanted to stop that they would stop.

Something inside her wanted to say no, to just curl into him and sob because no one had ever cared enough to actually allow her that.

Instead she nodded, pulling her shirt over her head to give herself a respite from eyes that expressed too much.

She tossed the shirt to the floor, reaching forward to bury her face in his hair, looping her arms around his broad frame as his hands crept up her back to unclasp her bra. 

She quickly pulled out of their embrace, hands flying to keep her bra in place, “Wait.”

Confusion flickered across his face before he sat back on his haunches and observed her, not questioning her at all.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d had sex with someone without at least a bra to hide her breasts. She had no problem exposing her tits, except when it came to sex, it made her feel vulnerable. Adam made her feel vulnerable.

“You first.”

He nodded, removing his shirt and tossing it to where her shirt had been discarded and then stood, hand moving to unzip his jeans. They joined the shirts and he was standing in front of her in his briefs.

He looked down at her, silently asking her if it was ok to continue.

She reached forward and tugged them down herself, exposing wiry black hair and a fully erect cock.

He quickly knelt down again, reaching to remove her bra and she shrugged it off, kicking off her boots and shimmying out of her pants until she was in only her knickers.

She raised her hips, allowing him to hook his fingers in the band to slide them off, exposing her own dark hairs, although better maintained and softer than his.

He joined her on the couch, pulling her on top of him, giving her complete control. They fumbled, trying to get lined up right. He managed to slide in, although he soon slipped out and they changed positions.

After several attempts to get a rhythm going, they gave up. He was hovering over her, awkwardly pressed inside her when he asked, “Is this what bad sex is like?”

She couldn’t help but laugh, placing a hand on his chest, “Mhmm, yes.”

He sighed, touching his forehead to hers before kissing her and she threaded her fingers through his hair, oddly content.

They stayed like that for a while before he flipped them over so that he wouldn’t crush her.

She watched him as he slept. Looking at him she had that same type of realization she’d had back when she decided she was going to become a therapist, this was the person she was serious about. He was always the person she was serious about. He was the only person she would be serious about.

She rested her cheek on his chest grappling with the fact that she was in love with him and had been for quite some time.


	8. Chapter 8

She woke up alone on the couch, a blanket haphazardly tucked around her and the sun streaming in through the eternally grimy windows of Adam’s apartment. She sat up and peered around the living room wall into the kitchen. Adam was in his briefs doing something with the stove. She quietly scrambled to the edge of the couch that wasn’t directly in his line of sight if he chose to face her, suddenly aware of just how _naked_ she was.

She reached for her clothes and hiked her knickers up over her ass, throwing her bra in her purse since there was no way she was going to get it on along with the rest of her clothes in time to leave Adam’s apartment unnoticed. She was in the process of turning her shirt right side out when Adam cleared his throat.

She let out an undignified yelp when she turned around and saw him standing there, staring at her, plate of eggs in one hand and balancing two glasses of milk in the other.

She froze, she’d been caught in this situation a couple times before, each time she’d just continued dressing herself and left without saying a word. There were many reasons why she couldn’t do that this time. One being she couldn’t _keep_ doing that; she didn’t _want_ to keep doing that. Another being he was the type of person who would straight up refuse to let her escape, which was backed up by the fact that he’d edged away from the kitchen and further into the living room, angling his body in between her and the door.

"You're leaving?"

"Uh…yeah. I uh…I have class, I’m gonna be late."

"It’s Friday. You don’t have class on Friday until three."

She swallowed hard, "I really should be going."

"Why?"

God sometimes, he could really be like a toddler she thought. 

"You said you wanted this…" he sounded hesitant and unsure, he sounded afraid, he sounded like her. 

She didn’t like it. "I…"

"It’s fine if you don’t."

She chewed on her lip.

"I promise the sex will get better," he continued.

The absurdity of the situation hit her then and she laughed. She dropped her shirt next to her crumpled up jeans and took tentative steps towards him, grateful her hair was long enough to cover her tits, not that it mattered, he was focused on her face, nothing else. She took the plate of eggs out of his open hand and looked down at it, there were two spoons laying next to the eggs, "You don’t have forks?"

"Fuck forks. And knives. If you can’t figure out how to eat it with a spoon, you don’t deserve to eat it."

She snorted and took the plate with her to the couch, sitting back down and digging in with one of the spoons. He didn’t join her, instead he’d stayed rooted to the spot, observing her.

"You can sit down you know? It’s _your_ couch."

"Do you want me to sit down?"

She tilted her head, considering him, "Yes."

"Good," he finally sat down next to her, but still kept some distance between them.

They finished eating in silence and he took the dishes back to the kitchen. She heard him running the water. If she was going to escape, this was the time to do it. Instead she perched herself on the end of the couch that had the view of the kitchen and sat there, gently swinging her legs as the wood dug into her bare thighs, and watched him wash the dishes.

He turned to her, head cocked to the side, "Why are you sitting on my couch in the most uncomfortable fucking position possible?"

"I didn’t want it to seem like I’m leaving."

He seemed to sense that was her way of apologizing for panicking earlier since he said, "I know you aren’t," as a way of accepting her apology.

She smiled broadly at him, watching the way the muscles in his armed moved as he scrubbed the pan he’d used earlier. She liked watching him work, there was something _domestic_ about it. The thought of _Adam_ and _domestic_ gave her a warm safe feeling that she found surprisingly familiar. It wasn’t a feeling she felt when she was married, in any of her previous relationships, or even when she’d gone to see her father. It was something she’d experienced with Adam, when he smiled at her, hugged her, kissed her, looked at her like she was so much more than she really was.

It was overwhelming. She had two means of coping with overwhelming situations or emotions: run away or have sex with a stranger. She didn’t want to do either of those things at the moment, she never wanted to do those things again. Since she’d never bothered to put her shirt back on, she only had to slide her knickers off.

She hopped down from her seat, a red mark imprinted on the back of her legs, and walked towards Adam. She removed the hair tie from her wrist and pulled her hair back into a ponytail. She was sure it looked bad, she hadn’t even run her fingers through her hair first. He let his eyes drop to trail up from her toes back to her face. The look on his face could only be described as awe and the overwhelming warmth and happiness came back, so she dropped to her knees. The evidence that he’d appreciated the show she’d given him was now eye level.

She used her hand to guide him into her mouth and wrapped around what she couldn’t take. She bobbed gently for a while, swirling her tongue around his head. His hands came around to rest on her head, gripping her ponytail. He groaned as she relaxed her throat and took all of him in her mouth. He held her there but jerked her away when she let out a choking sound, eyes watering. He tried to drag her up to her feet but she gripped his legs and slid him back in her mouth. He conceded, but used his grip on her hair to tilt her head back, forcing her to make eye contact with him. 

She started to rear back, it was too much intimacy. He held her firmly in place, but didn’t stop her from closing her eyes. 

She’d never met anyone who wanted eye contact with her while having sex, let alone when she was giving them oral. From what Hannah had said in the past, Adam didn’t even allow positions where eye contact could happen accidentally. But here he was, asking for permission, wanting to see her. It was terrifying and thrilling.

She enjoyed the soft groans he made and she finally opened her eyes again. She forced herself to keep them open despite the shock she received when she realized he’d been staring at her intensely and with reverence. He tried tugging her away again, "Jessa…" he warned.

"Hmm?"

He growled. "Jessa, I’m gonna cum if you don’t stop."

She stayed put, but sped up the pace she’d set.

He jerked erratically and came, releasing a stream of profanity mixed with her name.

She swallowed and let go of him with a pop of her lips. She leaned back and then rose to her feet, she still wasn’t anywhere close to being eye to eye with him.

"Jesus fucking Christ Jessa," he breathed, shaking his head. He leaned down to kiss her sweetly before retrieving a Gatorade from the fridge and giving it to her to wash away the taste of him.

He swept her up and carried her the six steps to the couch, depositing her on it and attempting to crawl between her knees. She kept them firmly shut, "Adam."

He ignored her and nuzzled her thighs.

"Adam," she laughed as his breath tickled her, "I actually do need to go to class, I have to shower and get my books."

He growled at her, _"Fine."_

He got up off the floor and helped her get dressed.

She was almost out the door when he stopped her.

"Jessa?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you doing tonight?"

"I get out of lecture at five, then nothing."

"Can I take you out for food after?"

She narrowed her eyes, "Like a date?"

He looked nervous now, " _A_ date, not like a date."

"Only if there will be forks to eat with."

He laughed heartedly and she couldn't stop the smile from spreading across her face.

"I’ll see you tonight," and he leaned over her, kissing the top of her head before opening the door.

She walked back to her apartment and quickly showered off before grabbing her textbook and course work. She got to class with ten minutes to spare and finally dug her phone out of her purse to check her messages. 

There was a missed call from Marnie, an innumerable amount of texts from Hannah, most of which appeared to start with the word ‘bitch’ or ‘cunt’, and a text from Adam. She deleted all of the messages from Hannah and Marnie's voicemail. Finally, she opened Adam's message, it contained instructions on where and when to meet him after she finished class.

After her two hour lecture, which made her regret the decision to only take classes that met twice a week, she followed Adam's instructions and found herself at the park by the Brooklyn Bridge. She looked around for Adam, he was sprawled out on the grass watching the clouds float by. She smiled to herself, watching him for a minute. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction of catching her staring at him with what she was sure could be construed as adoration, she readjusted her purse on her shoulder and walked towards him.

"Are we eating dirt for dinner?"

He jumped up at the sound of her voice, "No, I cooked food. Real food."

"That's a take out bag from an Italian restaurant."

"Same concept," he insisted. 

She snorted, "Ok, well then let's eat, I'm _starving._ "

She sat down next to him on the ratty blanket that she wasn't entirely convinced he hadn't taken from a dumpster two years ago. He took out the food and shitty paper plates. He also surprisingly procured jagged, uneven, concave forks as well.

She plucked one from his hand, examining it.

"This was one of your spoons!" she exclaimed, laughing.

"It's a fork now, you said you wanted forks."

"I didn't mean that I wanted you to mangle your spoons into barely passable forks. Jesus Adam, these are dangerous."

"Then no food for you."

"Oh come on, that's not fair, you're not seriously going to use that."

He groaned, "Gah, you're impossible. You ruined the fucking surprise!"

"What surprise?"

He reached into the bag and pulled out a package of metal utensils he'd evidently just purchased.

He handed them to her, "Here you go."

She laughed, "Adam, I'm not a heathen like you, I have actual utensils in my apartment."

"They're for you, but they're not for your apartment."

The significance of the meaning behind what he said wasn't lost on her and she looked down, brushing her hair behind her ear as a blush spread across her face.

He reached out, nudging her chin so that she was looking at him again, "Is that ok?"

She nodded, laughing again, "Yes. Yes it's fine."

He smiled almost shyly at her and she was the one who kissed him this time.


	9. Chapter 9

Adam had been right, the sex did get better. The sex was great, nothing else compared to it. As much as she loved the insane kinky sex they had, there was something about the way he looked at her when he fucked her slowly, tenderly that never failed to drive her over the edge. And when he would hold her afterwards she had to bite her tongue from telling him she loved him.

They never used condoms, it was reckless and stupid, but he always pulled out in time to spill himself on her stomach. Still a part of her wanted to do something dangerous, she wanted to know what would happen if he didn't pull out, spilling himself inside her instead. But she was a pussy and bought a sponge as back up.

She slipped it in before the next time they had sex and relished in the feeling of him finding his release inside her as she rubbed her clit to her own completion.

They laid there, breaths evening out, as she absently carded her fingers through his hair and he kissed her breasts.

"My sister's in town," she added as nonchalantly as possible, she didn’t want to force him to deal with her insane family, she didn’t want her sister around Adam, but she knew she could really use his support if she went to see her. 

"Oh, yeah?" he peered up at her.

"Mhm. Yeah, she e-mailed me out of nowhere and asked if I would have dinner with her tomorrow."

"So you want me to go?"

"I well, I honestly didn't think you'd be interested."

"Well, only if you want me to. I'd fucking love to meet her."

"I wasn't saying it so that you'd feel obligated."

"I don't feel obligated."

"Good ‘cause you're not."

"Good ‘cause I'm going."

She laughed and kissed him.

###### 

They walked hand in hand down the street towards the restaurant Minni had picked out, "So, listen, the thing to know about Minerva is that we've both slept with all the same people. Except except my father. That was just her."

Adam stopped mid-step leaving her a pace ahead of him, "What the shit?"

"I mean, they're not related, so it's not what you think, but so, they ran into each other at a bar or something and it was hardly creepy in the traditional sense. Besides, her dad's Scottish. All I'm saying is that if you want to fuck her, I mean, I won't care. I'm used to it," she tried to sound like it wouldn’t bother her. It usually didn’t. It never did. Until now. Until Adam.

He didn’t say anything in response, instead pulling her back towards him and squeezing her hand tighter before moving again.

"Minni, hi," she inwardly cringed at how unenthusiastic she sounded.

"Aw. Hey," Minni pulled her in for an insincere hug, "Seriously, you are wee. What the fuck?"

"Yeah, I got Giardia," she stepped out of the embrace.

"Amazing."

"Yeah, and it's got rid of all the-" she mumbled.

"Hi, I'm Ad-" he stepped forward, hand outstretched.

"Yay," ignoring his hand, Minni wrapped her arms around him.

"This is Adam. He's my boyfriend."

She pulled back for a second to get a look at his face again before squeezing him tightly "Boyfriend? God. Aw."

"Nice to meet you," Adam mumbled awkwardly.

"All right, all right. Easy," the way Minni was touching him made her skin crawl.

Minni sat across from her and Adam, who for his part attempted to fold in on himself, though he kept his hand resting on her thigh.

Minni was droning on about her third or fourth divorce, she stopped keeping track, "So, while I wait for our legal separation, he's letting me stay in the house, which is sweet of him since I really didn't behave well at all. And I'm getting spousal support even though I actually have more money because the trust fund doesn't count as income."

"Speaking of money, I do have something that I've been meaning to ask you," she interrupted.

"Shoot," Minni replied through mouthfuls of whatever ridiculously expensive dish she’d gotten.

"So, I think I told you that um I'm trying to go back to school to become a therapist. But the, ah, the thing is, I am not eligible for any financial aid because I'm a foreign student. So I need money. Like, a bunch. Grandma cut me off after rehab."

"Yeah, she said so. So lame. But you should really have hidden your drugs better."

She blew past her remark, getting caught was the best thing that had happened to her, "But she didn't cut you off."

Minni scoffed.

"Minni, I swear to you, I will pay you back every cent as soon as I could, as soon as I had my own business, which I will have."

"Jessa, you have to be fucking kidding me."

"No, I'm not. I'm really not kidding you. I found something that I love, that I really love, and there's so much that I have to learn, and I want to learn it. More than anything, I want to learn it."

"Well, that's a beautiful sentiment, but when have you ever stuck to a single thing?" she shot a pointed look in Adam’s direction and Jessa had to suppress the urge to slap her, "You can't expect me to sink my money into another whim."

"Well, it's not your money," she argued.

"It takes a certain passion to see things through and you've never had that. Maybe it's because Mum was always easy on you or your face is so symmetrical, but it's left you soft."

"What are you talking about?" Their mother wasn’t easy on her, she was never _there_ and few times she was it was nothing but screaming.

"I’m sorry to be the one to tell you things that you don't want to hear, but I know you, Jessa. I know you."

Adam groaned, "No, you don’t."

"Okay, Romeo," Minni looked offended

"No, you don’t. Jesus fucking Christ. You don't know her at all. She's a beautiful fuckin' rainbow, cutting and sublime. And she's gonna be the best fucking therapist ever. I envy her future patients because she's a truth-teller. And her perfect face is the least beautiful thing about her. I'll pay for your schooling. I'll pay for your schooling,” he almost shouted with conviction.

Jessa laughed at the ridiculousness of what he’d just said, "What?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"No."

"I made a fuck ton of money in all those Big Pharma commercials. It's just sitting in the bank. It should go to something good. You're something good."

She laughed again to hide the way she wanted to cry, no one had ever said she was ‘good’ before, "You’re ser- are you serious?" 

_"Yes."_

The tears slid freely now.

"So nice. That's brilliant," Minni interrupted the moment.

"Thank you," she mumbled into his shoulder, once again stopping herself from telling him she loved him.


End file.
